I haven't been journaling a lot lately. I’ve been feeling a little bit paralyzed I guess. And yet there's a lot going on inside me that feels like it needs to be expressed. Or… something.
My cat paces around the living room this morning- like he always does. When he gets tired of pacing he sits and waits for... I'm not sure what. I'm not sure he knows either.
I give him ice cube after ice cube (weird I know... it’s his favorite), but he keeps coming back for more. Keeps looking at me like he wants something. Sometimes he'll let me pet him, sometimes not.
My favorite thing is when he stops pacing. When curls up on a chair near me and does this.
The internet says this is a posture of trust. Of contentment. And it makes my heart happy, because it means he feels safe with me. That He wants to be near me. (At least that's what I tell myself.)
Lately every time I sit down in my chair for “time with Jesus”... I feel the swirling of ALL the things. Refugees. Poverty. Singleness. Old wounds. Relationships. People I love who are hurting.
Are there other things I should be doing with my time? Should I text that boy or let it go? Am I doing a good job at work? At life? At anything?
I don’t even know where to start. How to put it all into words. What I’m really craving- is for my heart to settle. Like my cat. I want to be near Jesus... to rest in His presence. But often I avoid it.
Because I think that time is for figuring out. Like that's what I'm supposed to do. Listen for all the things I’m doing wrong, all the ways life isn’t right, and then fix them.
But I end up like my cat, pacing back and forth from issue to issue. Accomplishing nothing. Unable to settle down enough even to receive love.
Maybe it’d be better to just curl up next to Jesus. To let my heart rest, content just to be near Him. Could it be that this brings about its own kind of transformation? If I make myself at home with Him, maybe everything else will start to become clearer?
I have lots of ideas of what my time with you "should" look like, God. About what "counts." Help me let go of that and show me how You have created me to connect with you.